I honestly thought that any kind of friendship we had was already over because the person had stopped talking to me. Even though many things were left unsaid, I had made peace and moved on and was actually happy to have the person out of my life. So imagine my surprise when I receive a message on Facebook from the person asking if we could be friends again.
Someone else told me that I would let the person back in my life because it’s not my style to hold a grudge. But it wasn’t a grudge I was holding. As I said, I’d made my peace that this person was no longer apart of my life and liked it that way. I’d first planned to send a short yet finalizing message saying no, I did not wish to continue this friendship, but I was told that what I had to say was a bit too forceful and could possibly rile up some more drama. This is honestly what I wanted to avoid, so I took the advice and decided not to respond at all, until the person messaged me again to follow up.
Again, deciding to take the road of class and maturity I just replied with a ‘no, I’m not interested in being friends with you.’ I was hoping that would be it but the person responded asking for an explanation. At that point, I was on my way out for the night so I responded with, ‘I feel it’s better that way.’
I find it funny when people use the phrase, ‘I was just trying to be the bigger person,’ when things don’t go how they’d planned, as the person said in their response. Especially when they facilitated the initial break up in the first place, with no such courtesy of a notification or explanation. This relationship had been rocky for many months and it was always me attempting to make things right. After a while, you simply get tired of having to take all the blame. As a empath, even in an argument, I feel not only my own feelings but the feelings of the other party was well. That’s a heavy burden to bear. I hold onto guilt like I’m storing for winter. And I know that it is far from healthy, which is why I’d made the decision that I was fine having this friendship ended.
I decided, as I will probably never speak to this person again, I should take this time to get out some of the feelings that I had been storing. I said my truth and sent it off. At this point, I knew it could get ugly, but I was not prepared for the response I got. I got called jealous, and insecure, among other things. Me, in the state I was in, exhausted, nursing a pretty raunchy hangover, and now completely on edge, fired back with some insults of my own. A second response from the person mentioned another person, a mutual friend who had nothing to do with the situation, and went off into tangents that confirmed that the person had absolutely no clue why I was no longer interested in their friendship. Despite my laying out in my message the hurt that they had caused me, it was not even acknowledged and definitely not apologized for, as this person expected me to apologize before the reconciliation they were proposing would be complete.
I sent one final message; attempting to tie up any loose ends of things I wanted to say and then blocked the person from my Facebook. I did not want to continue the back and forth that I know would have ensued if I did not end it myself. Upon that, I sat for a while, definitely feeling wounded. But I was glad it was over. I got some kind words from an actual friend. This person told me that I should not feel bad for safeguarding my feelings and valuing my peace of mind. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.
Later on, I was out and about and ruminating a bit about the events that had conspired. I kept playing this one last thing that I would want to say to the person over and over in my head. I even typed it up on my phone and for a second was prepared to unblock the person just for a moment in order to send it. But after I finished recording the message, I felt a sense of release. And I thought; I’d already ended it, I’d already ended it in my mind ages ago. And to do something like that would truly be petty, as the person accused me of being. So I deleted the message.
A day later, I’m feeling better but still have a little rumination going on, as is introvert fashion. I’m just trying to remember something that I told myself just the day before I received the first message, ‘It’s not necessary to be friends with everyone.’ Sometimes when you know something is just not right, you just have to let it go. A few days earlier, I saw an image, or a status on Facebook that said, ‘When you lose a friend, you may mourn the fact that you lost that person, but you also have to remember that person lost you as well.’ The funny thing is, I can’t exactly say that I will miss the person, but I’m pretty sure that the person will miss me.
I am definitely not a perfect person. But one thing I will credit myself for is that I aim to bring some kind of value to the lives of the people with which I associate, because I value good, honest friendship. The kind of friendship I can spend more time focusing on now that this sham is over. Honestly, the most valuable thing the person ever did for me was to give me the inspiration for this narrative.